Why is swimsuit shopping so painful? Swimsuits either seem way too young and too skimpy or depressingly MATRONLY and hideous. Is there anything in between?
I spent lots of time observing swimsuits when I was on vacation last week and I did find a couple of attractive ones on older women. WHERE DID THEY GET THOSE??? I wanna know.
Anyone who's gotten older and gained a few pounds has tried the Miracle Suit, which guarantees that you'll look 5 lbs skinnier. What they don't tell you is that you have to be a contortionist to actually put one on. And don't even try to get the thing back up once it's wet--that takes at least 3 people. Preferably blind.
So while in Maui I went swimsuit shopping. Which I usually only do after 2 or 3 mai tais. But this day I found and bought two suits. One was from the Junior department, where I picked up the largest possible size. It was a two-piece tankini, blue and white print, little red bows, cute little ruffle around the top, boy shorts. The other was from the women's department: tank top, higher neckline, skirted bottom. "Skirtini" they called it. Very modest. Both half price.
The real test comes, of course, not in the trying-on but in the actual wearing, and for that matter, the actual swimming. Which, unlike lots of women, I actually do.
The Junior suit stayed on, but the top gapped from the shorts, revealing my end-of-vacation 5-months-pregnant-55-year-old belly. The shorts rode up, letting my buns sag out. It was hard to compress all the lumps into that little thing. It was pretty much obscene. But it was so cute! It had little red bows!
The women's suit straps kept falling off my shoulders, it gapped under my arms, the skirt made me feel like I was trapped in seaweed when I was swimming and I generally felt like I was in my bloomers in one of those pictures from the 1890's at Coney Island. Skirtini my ass.
Whatever. When I left the condo, I took with me the junior suit. I left the bloomers for the housekeepers. I guess I'd rather pretend I feel cute than surrounded by seaweed. Euuwww.
Someday I'll find a suit that covers my middle, lifts my boobs, holds in my buns, doesn't ride up, doesn't fall off my shoulders, doesn't take two helpers to pull up, and makes me look 10 lbs thinner, ten shades tanner, and ten years younger. I'll pay full price.
I spent lots of time observing swimsuits when I was on vacation last week and I did find a couple of attractive ones on older women. WHERE DID THEY GET THOSE??? I wanna know.
Anyone who's gotten older and gained a few pounds has tried the Miracle Suit, which guarantees that you'll look 5 lbs skinnier. What they don't tell you is that you have to be a contortionist to actually put one on. And don't even try to get the thing back up once it's wet--that takes at least 3 people. Preferably blind.
So while in Maui I went swimsuit shopping. Which I usually only do after 2 or 3 mai tais. But this day I found and bought two suits. One was from the Junior department, where I picked up the largest possible size. It was a two-piece tankini, blue and white print, little red bows, cute little ruffle around the top, boy shorts. The other was from the women's department: tank top, higher neckline, skirted bottom. "Skirtini" they called it. Very modest. Both half price.
The real test comes, of course, not in the trying-on but in the actual wearing, and for that matter, the actual swimming. Which, unlike lots of women, I actually do.
The Junior suit stayed on, but the top gapped from the shorts, revealing my end-of-vacation 5-months-pregnant-55-year-old belly. The shorts rode up, letting my buns sag out. It was hard to compress all the lumps into that little thing. It was pretty much obscene. But it was so cute! It had little red bows!
The women's suit straps kept falling off my shoulders, it gapped under my arms, the skirt made me feel like I was trapped in seaweed when I was swimming and I generally felt like I was in my bloomers in one of those pictures from the 1890's at Coney Island. Skirtini my ass.
Whatever. When I left the condo, I took with me the junior suit. I left the bloomers for the housekeepers. I guess I'd rather pretend I feel cute than surrounded by seaweed. Euuwww.
Someday I'll find a suit that covers my middle, lifts my boobs, holds in my buns, doesn't ride up, doesn't fall off my shoulders, doesn't take two helpers to pull up, and makes me look 10 lbs thinner, ten shades tanner, and ten years younger. I'll pay full price.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment